A Letter to a City I’ve Never Been To

The following is what I have mailed to the City of Dallas, without the strikethroughs or italicized text. That’s just my own personal comments on the situation.

To The City Of Dallas Corrupt Dirty Shithole Joke of a City:

I recently received a collection notice on two unpaid parking tickets in your city that occurred on Sunday, 6/24/2000 within 9 minutes of each other, for “PARKING ON UNAPPROVED SURFACE”, which the lady obstinate bitch who repeated herself like a broken record I spoke with on the phone told me was a grassy area.

I am disputing the parking ticket on the following facts:

1. This is the most important of all: I have never been to Dallas in my entire life. Ever. (Seriously, your city sucks balls.)

2. The tickets are two different ticket numbers but contain the same information:
Ticket 1: Occurred at 9:07am on 315 N RAVINIA DR
Ticket 2: Occurred at 9:15am on 314 N RAVINA DR
You can see that the tickets are 8 minutes apart and occur what looks to be the same exact street, each with a $95.00 charge.

3. I never received any notification of parking tickets until last year around this same time, 6 years later.

4. The time and date in question is even more proof that it was not me or any vehicle I have ever driven. It was a Sunday morning, and I was still asleep. In HOUSTON. Seriously, get with the fucking program.

5. The vehicle in question was totaled in February of 2001 and I do not own it anymore. (RIP Pezmobile)

6. I have to repeat this, because this is the most important fact of all: I. HAVE. NEVER. BEEN. TO. DALLAS. The car in question, a 1997 Ford Escort, has also never been to Dallas, or if it did, was prior to my owning it in 1999 which is a year prior the tickets.

Please contact me to discuss this dispute, and remove these fraudulent charges from my record. After this is resolved, I do not wish to ever be contacted by The City Of Dallas ever again, and this incredibly ridiculous error is only cementing the desire to NEVER visit your city.

Thank You,

Haggis MacBastard

Apologies to B-Dogg McGee. No offense to you, but your city is stupid.